Boom Goes Everything!
by Randomus Prime
Summary: What happens when you put Wheeljack and Starscream to work on a project? Well why don't we find out? Crack-alicious crack, awful insults, references to interfacing and pranks!


**_Boom Goes Everything_**

* * *

**Author's Foreword:**

**To be honest, I really enjoyed writing this. I started coming with so many disses and insults I decided to throw them all together into an actual fanfic.**

**Now, I didn't really think about the story behind it; I will be honest - it was all for the insults. In general ... just think of it as Wheeljack and Starscream working for some laboratory thing or something, really do not think a lot about the story.**

* * *

"… pathetic fool! That is not how you calibrate the ion scanner!"

"Starscream, I freakin' swe'eh if yeh don' shut up …"

"This cannot even be called technology! My design is hopelessly superior!"

"… so 's yer prostitution."

This has been going on ever since Starscream and Wheeljack were assigned to work in the same lab: nearly non-stop screaming …

"How did they ever give you a degree in engineering?!"

"How did they eveh give yeh clearance teh leave the mental asylum?!"

… throwing insults at each other …

"How dare you tell everyone I am stupid?"

"Was that a secret?"

"Your brain is pile of slag compared to mine!"

"Is 24 yer age or IQ?"

"Didn't I dissect you in biology class one time?"

"Some babies were dropped on the'eh heads- yeh were thrown at a wall."

"I don't know what makes you stupid but it really works!"

"I'd like teh see things from yer point of view but I can't seem teh get my head that far up my aft."

"You suck!"

"And you swallow!"

"You are scrap!"

"What did yeh have fer breakfast? Bitch flakes?"

"You are proof that the universe has a sense of humor!"

"I'd like teh kick yeh in the dental plates but I don' want teh improve yer looks."

"Let's play Ick-Yak; I will be the front and you be yourself!"

"I'd shove my foot up yer aft but you'd enjoy it."

"Your spike is like a landmine! Small, hidden and explodes on contact!"

"Keep talkin', maybe someday yeh'll finally say somethin' intelligent."

… the name calling …

"Whorejack."

"Bitchscream."

"Wheeljaccident."

"Starslut."

"Moron."

"Hoe."

"Scrap-heap!"

"Aft-face."

… it just never stopped!

"Hey, Shockwave, are you sure putting them together was such a good idea?"

"I am starting to have doubts about my decision, Thundercracker."

"Hey, I don't mind, I just don't want to test the scrap they make and end up with it exploding in my face."

It all began when the research facility entered in a competition with another, an equally big one. Getting everyone they possibly could, they got their best to come up with the most extraordinary contraptions or upgrades …

"I will get back at you for this!"

"What 're yeh gonna do, bend oveh?"

… so far it hasn't been going all that well …

* * *

"This shirt it too tight …"

"Why don' yeh slip inteh somethin' mo'eh comfertable?"

"Like what?"

"A coma."

* * *

"I have changed my mind!"

"Great, does it work any betteh?"

* * *

"What do you think Wheeljack and Starscream are making?"

"I doubt that they do anything else other than …"

"**I'LL SAW YER FACE IN HALF!**"

"Oh, dear …"

"… well, that."

"**YOU WILL NEED TO FIRST MAKE SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT EXPLODE!**"

"I wonder if Smokescreen is taping this …"

"What? Seriously?"

"Yeah, him, Wheeljack, Blaster, Powerglide and Swindle started a small business. They record random things and sell them online."

"**IF YOU WERE TWICE AS SMART YOU WOULD STILL BE STUPID!**"

"**I'D SLAP YEH BUT IT'D BE ANIMAL ABUSE!**"

"Oh, dear, perhaps someone should step in and stop this?"

"Go ahead."

"**IF I WANTED TO HEAR FROM AN ASSHOLE, I WOULD HAVE FARTED!**"

"**IF I WANTED A BITCH, I WOULD'A GOTTEN TRACKS!**"

"Um, I am not so sure I am quite suited for something like …"

"**Can I borrow your face? MY AFT IS ON A VACATION!**"

"**YER BIRTH CERTIFICATE 'S AN APOLOGY FROM THE CONDOM FACTORY!**"

"… this."

"Are you sure you do not want a crack at it?"

"**YOU FAILED!**"

"**SO DID YER MOM'S ABORTION.**"

"Want to start soundproofing the walls?"

"Waaaaay ahead of you …"

"**HOW DID YOU GET HERE? DID SOMEONE LEAVE YOUR CAGE OPEN?!**"

"**THE SMARTEST THING THAT CAME OUT OF YER MOUTH WAS SIXSHOT'S SPIKE!**"

"**I HEARD MORE COHERENT THINGS FROM A SCHIZOPHRENIC WITH TOURETTE'S!**"

"What are we going to do about this?"

"**I COULD EAT A BOWL OF ALPHABET SOUP 'N' SHIT OUT SMARTEH THINGS THEN THAT!**"

The head staff all gathered to try and solve this problem. Most of the employees had to gather somewhere outside the facility to work on their projects, since it became absolutely impossible to conduct any research whatsoever even with soundproof walls – Wheeljack and Starscream didn't isolate their bickering to just the laboratory but the whole facility. Each time they met each other, no matter where, be it on the street, cafeteria, restaurant, hallway, they would throw themselves into a never-ending stream of mockery, insults and so on.

"What if we …"

* * *

"Tum, ta-da-ta-da-la …" the engineer happily hummed a tune as he worked on some circuitry when the seeker walked in:

"Greetings, left overs!"

"What up, spikeface?"

"Why are you humming?"

"Because unlike you, I'm actually doin' something useful!"

"A gun to kill yourself?"

"A muzzle fer yer face."

"Pft as if you can, oh, crap I forgot some stuff, be right back."

"You can't lose yer brain, yeh neveh had one."

"Just like your mother." The scientist quickly walked out before Wheeljack could say anything else.

"Time fer operation 'It came from the sky'." The white mech grabbed a bucket filled with something, slightly opened the door, got on the chair, placed the bucket on top of the door and rushed back to his table. "Hehehehe."

"I'm back …" Starscream opened the door which made the container fall on him, spilling all of its contents all over the fighter jet as it got into every opening in his body, spreading the unholy smell, trapping random chunks of some unknown substance all over him and in his crevices. "Eeeeeewwww! Pfghrla! Pfha! What the slag is that?!"

"Remember how yeh compared me teh Ick-Yak vomit?"

"Yes!"

"Revenge is a bucket best served cold."

"EEEEWWWW!"

* * *

"I will show him!" The disgruntled scientist walked into a pharmacy. "May I have the following things …"

* * *

"Ah, nothin' like a fresh cube of enehgon in the mornin', eh, Slutscream?"

"Hope you choke on it."

"Don' be jealous jus' 'cus I got a free cube 'n' you didn'. Maybe one day someone'll want teh frag up the'eh life 'n' do somethin' with yeh!"

"Go and adjust the coolant feed on the reactor, fragger."

"Will do. Be right back, bitch." Wheeljack quickly walked out of the room, mumbling some numbers under his nose.

"Time to spice up his 'free' energon," Starscream took out a pouch with a strange powder, poured it into the drink he orchestrated to be served to Wheeljack, vigorously mixed the two ingredients and went back to his station, "hehehe."

"Is it betteh now, spikeweed?"

"Yes, aftwipe."

"All right, now, back teh my free enehgon!" The engineer took a few gulps. "Ah, tastes great! That should, woooow, everythin' 's like, woooow"

The Lancia Stratos' eyes widened as he began wobbling.

"Whoa, dude, this stuff is like, man! Hey, what's this?" He looked down to his codpiece, feeling his spike press against his plating. "What the hell is that?!"

"A snake."

"Aaaaahhh! It's a snake! Frag! Aaaaaaaahhhhh!" The mech began freaking out. He ran around in circles for a minute and then sprinted down the hall, screaming off the top of his lungs.

"Um," Red Alert peeked into the lab, "What did you give him?"

"I ground up morphine, cocaine, Viagra and laxatives into a powder and mixed it with his energon."

* * *

"Hehehe, that scrapheap will never see this coming!" The scientist put a little device on the palm of his hand, walked up towards the recovered engineer and patted him on the back, sneaking the device on to him, "How are the results coming?"

"Eh, fine, the electron flow 's a lil' shaky though."

"All right, I shall see what I can do." Starscream hurriedly made his way out of the lab, peeking inside it, "hehehehe."

"Ergh," Wheeljack leaned back on his chair and stretched out, "'other day at freakin' work."

Weirdly, he found it very hard to move. Trying harder this time, a random bolt flew up in the air and attached itself to his plating.

"What the …" without warning a few other things jumped up and glued themselves to the engineer, "What the frag?!"

Suddenly half of the equipment – scanners, wrenches, polarizers, saws, needles, parts and so on - threw themselves at Wheeljack, crushing him under their weight as they attracted more and more metallic objects, quickly drowning him in the increasing pile of random scrap.

"Hehe, Wheeljack is a scrap manget!"

* * *

"Hm, the moron is late! Where could he be?" It is not like the scientist was concerned, it's just that he came up with a few nice lines to throw at his enemy but found his absence a tad bit frustrating. "Oh well, probably finally realized that he is hopelessly inferior in intellect and more importantly …"

The seeker stroke a provocative pose, humming.

"… looks!"

"Well, who can blame him?," he yawned, getting back to work, "I am so much better and hotter than anyone!"

Continuing with his project, he couldn't help but keep on dozing off, shortly falling asleep.

"Well," Wheeljack walked in with a gasmask on, "time fer yeh teh get fragged."

"Hm, hum," Starscream woke up from a breeze brushing on his face, "hhmmm, mmmm, what happened?"

Onlining his optics, the scientist looked around and was, rather, shocked to see a wall of a dark alley.

"What the …" He tried to move but noticed that his hands were cuffed around a water pipe, "what the …"

Anxiously inspecting his surroundings a little closer, the mech noticed that he was wearing no pants whatsoever.

"Well, well," a voice malevolently permeated the air as two mechs, red and yellow, walked onto the tiny, abandoned street, "Is it true what the sign says?"

"What sign?"

"The one above you."

"Huh?" The fighter jet looked up to see what the strangers were talking about. "Free frags all week long. That's not true!"

"Hm you know what, I don't think it matters."

"What?!"

"Hey, brother, are you thinking what I am thinking?"

"Hehe, get everyone, Warpath, Cosmos, Hot Spot, Blades, Slingshot, Afterburner, everyone!"

"Sharing is caring!"

"Wh-what are you going to do to me?"

The yellow twin leaned forward with the most mischievous smirk:

"Guess."

* * *

The day of the presentations have finally arrived. They, somehow managing to work out a system with the two, were prepared and now everybody was presenting their creations on a stadium with tens of thousands of people, eager to see what the scientists came up with this time. Ratchet and Perceptor built a support exo-skeleton for mechs with physical disabilities; Soundwave and Blaster came up with a voice command identification system that can be integrated into nearly every piece of technology these days; Shockwave and Prowl came up with a new security system, and it was now Wheeljack's and Starscream's turn.

"So," Alpha Trion invited the two onto the stage, "What do you guys have to offer this evening?"

"Well," the seeker started, "me and my oh so esteemed partner -who can't tell his head from his aft- have decided to each go our separate ways and we have both prepared different projects."

"What my sorry excuse fer a mech colleague is tryin' teh say 's that we decided teh both go our merry ways."

"Right, so, um, two projects, huh? How exciting! Would you mind showing them to us?"

"Ladies and Gentlemechs, I present you" Starscream walked up to the curtain control station, and pulled the lever, "The Combaticons! Onslaught, Vortex, Brawl, Swindle and Blast-off!"

Everybody was really shocked to see five mechs appear from behind the curtain.

"What the hell is this place?"

"Anybody wants to buy some crack?"

"Can we go now?"

"Look! Our future victims!"

"I WILL REIGN FIRE AND CHAOS ON YOUR FRAGGING AFTS!"

"Yeah, let's do that. Combaticons, merge into Bruticus!"

"Wait! Not yet!"

"Bruticus, strong! Bruticus, destroy!"

* * *

"… and now, to present our final project …"

The giant combiner flew up in the sky, going away from all of this to find something to destroy. Starscream transformed and chased after his creation.

"… Wheeljack! What do you have to show us this, um, interesting evening?"

"Well, I present yeh," the engineer pulled down the curtain lever with the biggest, evilest smile in his mind, "The Dinobots!"

"Papa! Me, Grimlock no like big crowds!"

"Me, Swoop want to fly!"

"Me, Snarl no like curtain!"

"Me, Slag want to buuuuurn!"

"Me, Sludge want to stomp!"

"Boys," the white mech lovingly hugged them, "Show 'em what yeh got!"

"Me, Grimlock say dinobots go nuts!," the commander said, as all five made their way towards the audience.

"Aw," Wheeljack happily jumped up and down in place, almost squealing like a fangirl, "Aren' they the cutest things …"

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**Like I said before, just don't think story-wise, this was really for kicks and shits ... I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless!**

**Don't be shy to leave a review!**


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